Don Blankenship: ‘I Came. I Saw. I Lost.’ (Miserably)

 

After receiving the official thumbs-down from President Donald Trump, West Virginia coal baron Don Blankenship, went on to experience a spectacular defeat at the polls on Tuesday.

Blankenship ran a campaign that included everything concerning Trump, except the president’s endorsement. In fact, Trump asked voters not to cast their ballots for Blankenship.

“It was like buying all of the accessories for your brand new Chevy, then realizing you have a Ford… Nothing fits and you can’t take anything back,” said Fake News Direct political analyst Will Cheatham.

The Blankenship campaign determined that the best way to rally constituents was to cross swords with Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, who Blankenship derisively referred to as “cocaine” Mitch. Consequently, this did not go over well with West Virginians, which led to a stinging, burning, itching loss for Blankenship and his moustache.

Blankenship also reportedly received a call from Trump, thanking him for his loss.

McConnell rubbed even more salt into the gaping, oozing, disgusting wound of defeat, by issuing a parting shot like only a true “kingpin” could make.

However, Blankenship vowed that he will rise again from the ashes of bitter, moldy embarrassment.

“I’ll be back!” cackled Blankenship. “And when I return, I will dine upon the succulent carcasses of GOP flesh, and then I will quench my thirst on the sweet taste of Mitch McConnell tears.”

Blankenship then reportedly vanished in a cloud of sulphurous black smoke.

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