BOSTON — A month-long investigation conducted by Fake News Direct reporter, Jill Wine-Cooler, has uncovered a report written by congressional Democrats, alleging that Republicans colluded with Russian operatives to steal candy from babies.
The report said that the operation caused so many sleepless nights for the Democratic parents of the aggravated toddlers that they failed to vote, which ultimately led to Hillary Clinton’s 2016 loss.
“This is the clearest indication of Russian collusion yet,” said Sen. Diane Feinstein. “Before, we were grasping at straws but now we have the smoking gun,”
According to a report leaked to Fake News Direct by anonymous source, Sen. “Cryin” Chuck Schumer, millions of infants and toddlers were allegedly targeted in an ongoing operation, aimed at causing unrest among babies by robbing them of their delicious treats.
According to Schumer, Russian diplomat Sergey Kislyak, discussed plans to expand the operation, based on uncorroborated information obtained from an alleged recording.
“We will slowly extend our operation to include upcoming mid-term elections. We will be successful and no one will ever notice… Hell, you Democrats have been slowly robbing the American people this way for decades,” said Kislyak. “This is like taking candy from baby,” Kislyak added.
A voice, believed to be that of Sen. John McCain, is then heard reminding Kislyak that the plan was, in fact, to take candy from babies. Shortly after the exchange, Kislyak can distinctly be heard muttering the word “moron.”
Additional review of the recordings reportedly show that McCain and other Republicans also conspired with Russians to prompt James Comey to plant damaging information in the media to discredit Hillary Clinton.
McCain also allegedly told Kisylak that he is confident that their counter-psychological operation will work.
“If we can’t get actual dirt on Trump, we’ll do it the old-fashioned Democratic way — We’ll just make it up.”
According to information obtained in the investigation, Republicans have stolen at least 4 1/2 tons of candy from babies so far.