CHEESEMEISTER, Wis. — Bulls across the nation have joined in a class-action lawsuit against humanity for associating their species with negative references and wrongfully accusing them of wrecking china shops, according to a brief filed in federal court on Monday.
The bulls allege that their reputations and characters were impugned, causing them undue mental anguish, because of how humans refer to them when making negative remarks, according to spokesbull J.C. Hoofbrau.
“Why do you have to call it bulls**t when someone tells you something you don’t believe? This implies that bulls cannot tell the truth,” said Hoofbrau. “And furthermore, we have never destroyed anyone’s china and nor do we frequent such establishments.”
Hoofbrau went on to outline other epithets that people use against them like “full of bull,” “a cock and bull story,” “hit the bull’s-eye,” and the ubiquitous “grab the bull by the horns.” According to Hoofbrau, the latter two colloquialisms promote violence against their species. However, Hoofbrau did admit that he has never personally had his horns grabbed and also hasn’t seen very many one-eyed bulls.
The latest round of tensions between bulls and humans recently resulted in mass bull protests and walkouts across the country. The bulls have now refused to participate in rodeos, forcing bull riders to use camels instead.
One protest took a horrific turn when one belligerent bovine actually did wreak a china shop. Authorities in Bug Tussle, Alabama took a young bull into custody after he allegedly plowed into “Auntie Denise’s Dish Palace.” Fortunately, there was no real china in the shop at the time. Damages are estimated at $200 million.
The animals are also seeking unspecified damages for the use of their likenesses on products without their permission.
Fake News Direct reached out to the primary defendants in the lawsuit, Elmer’s Glue and Red Bull, for their reactions to the lawsuit, but both companies declined to comment.