TARTARUS — With the Russia investigation on the ropes and President Donald Trump’s patience wearing thin, Democratic lawmakers on Capitol Hill came together to summon demons to attack the President this week.
Using dark incantations and tapping into the eldritch energies of the most malevolent demonic entities from the nether-regions, Sens. Chuck Schumer, Diane Feinstein, Elizabeth Warren, and Rep. Nancy Pelosi performed the ancient “Unbroken Circle” ritual, which was needed to summon the Dread Dormammu, along with the archdemons Mammon and Asmodeus.
“You could smell sulphur all around for miles, then ‘poof.’ Suddenly, there they were and they immediately ate the poor intern they offered as a sacrifice,” said one shaken witness, who asked not to be identified.
Conversely, the results of these efforts have only been marginally successful, according to sources embedded within the Democratic party. The sources told Fake News Direct that attorneys appear to be the only ones susceptible to this kind of assault.
“They’ve gotten rid of John Dowd, Joseph diGenova, and Ty Cobb,” the source told Fake News Direct, but they seem to be having a tough time getting rid of Michael Cohen and they aren’t quite sure what to do about Rudy Giuliani yet.”
Sources say that the Democrats are optimistic that Giuliani will simply throw himself under the bus. However, Democratic lawmakers have a contingency plan in place if the former New York mayor is not soon dispatched.
“I am confident that if we cannot dig up anything on Giuliani, we will simply make something up,” said Sen. Chuck Schumer.
So far Trump has remained relatively unscathed throughout the relentless assault. Trump administration insiders credit the success to Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Kellyanne Conway, whose unwavering devotion to the president has protected him thus far.
Both Sanders and Conway have continually endured concerted attacks from the Underworld denizens as well as Washington swamp creatures, and the left-wing media, in defense of the president, according to White House sources.