Witch Charged in Connection With Mueller Investigatation

EMERALD CITY, Kan. — After a months-long investigation into what President Donald Trump has consistently called a witch hunt, Special Counsel Robert Mueller has brought charges against an actual witch, according to a leaked classified affidavit filed in federal court this week.

Elphaba Thropp, 279, was taken into custody by federal agents, during the early hours of Thursday morning, from her home in Emerald City, Kansas, according to court documents. Authorities seized a treasure trove of evidence that supports the allegation that Thropp is, in fact, a witch. Agents removed several boxes filled with ancient books on magic from the home, along with a large cauldron, and a pair of ruby slippers. Investigators said that the slippers will be instrumental in proving their case.

Thropp is charged with multiple counts of practicing witchcraft without a permit, failing to register as a foreign witch, operating a broom without a valid license, and possession of an illegal magic wand.

Thropp appeared in court on Friday with her attorney, Bill Bowbaggins, who argued that she should be released on her own recognizance. Bowbaggins’ argument was rejected by US District Judge Matthew Hopkins, who sided with Assistant US Attorney Balthasar Von Dernbach. Von Dernbach argued that Thropp could be a flight risk because she could still have access to additional brooms.

Thropp was remanded into custody without bond and is now being held at the Guantanamo Bay Detention Facility in Cuba, where she is awaiting trial.

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