Robert Mueller Subpoenas God as Witness After Russia Probe Comes Up Empty

DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA — Amid mounting pressure from lawmakers to end his investigation, Special Counsel Robert Mueller subpoenaed God this week, in an attempt to gather information on the floundering probe into Russian collusion with the Trump campaign, during the 2016 election, according to court documents.

According to sources close to the investigation, Mueller took the extraordinary measure of summoning the Almighty to appear before the grand jury, after reportedly realizing that the Heavenly Father knows all and sees everything.

Mueller hopes that God will be a compelling witness if Trump has committed any wrongdoing.

“We need to get God to come up in here and testify, because Lord knows, I don’t have a damned thing here… Zero… Zilch… Zip… Nada… Nothing.”

The investigation has come under deep scrutiny after a federal judge accused Mueller of using his authority ostensibly to go after President Donald Trump. District Judge T.S. Ellis III issued a scathing rebuke to prosecutors in the Paul Manafort case, this week, likening Mueller attorneys to D.A.’s who try to flip defendants in drug cases.

Legal analysts say that they do not know if God will answer Mueller’s summons, citing that He does move in mysterious ways.

Neither God nor any of His angels were available for comment and the pope has declined to weigh in on the matter.

However, four out of five legal experts agree that Mueller does not have the authority to compel the Almighty to appear before the grand jury, if He refuses. It is also even more unlikely that Mueller could successfully bring a contempt of court charge against the LORD if he is a no-show.

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