DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA — Tensions between President Donald Trump and fired FBI director James Comey boiled over today when the president signed an executive order challenging Comey to a duel.
Sources close to Trump told Fake News Direct that the president issued the order because he is “sick and tired of all this BS.” The president thinks that he and Comey should settle this like men did in the “olden days.” Vice President Mike Pence nodded in agreement with the Commander-in-Chief, looking on as Trump signed the order.
“Let’s git him,” Pence exclaimed giddily, while simultaneously remaining stone-faced.
Comey is currently out promoting his new book, ostensibly about the life experiences of the ousted former FBI director. Although the book does contain anecdotes about Comey’s life, the main focus has been on the section concerning his alleged dealings with Trump. The White House called Comey’s memoirs total fiction, saying that Comey is completely disengaged from the truth.
Trump issued the challenge to Comey via a text message to a phone number Comey included in an email that he sent to the president, begging for his old job back, according to an official who spoke on condition of anonymity because she was not authorized to speak on the matter.
“I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF U,” read the text, obtained exclusively by Fake News Direct. [sic] “I am going to KICK you dead in YOUR sh**thole when I SEE you… LIEBOY. And P.S. Wait until the world hears that tape of you trying to convince me that you had some kind of phony PEE PEE dossier… Trying to CONTROL me but it ain’t HAPPENING. Oh and P.S.S. There was NO COLLUSION — you colostomy bag!!”
The president then went on to describe himself as being Comey’s Aaron Burr, apparently making a reference to the historical duel that occurred back in 1804 between then-sitting Vice President Aaron Burr and former Secretary of the Treasury Alexander Hamilton, where Hamilton was mortally wounded.
Incidently, Burr would not be the last sitting US vice president to shoot someone while in office. Former Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a friend of his in the face with a 28-guage shotgun, during a hunting trip.
Presumably not wanting to give the impression that he wanted to do physical harm to Comey, Trump backtracked to clarify his statement, pointing to his call that Comey be prosecuted.
[sic] ” Dear ‘Slippery’ James Comey, We are LOCKED in battle but the TRUTH is my weapon. You think that the AMERICAN people will believe YOU who are a proven LIAR and LEAKER over there President but you ARE wrong. You are going to (JAIL)…! As soon as I get rid of Rosenstein and Mueller… you are TOAST!”
Comey is reportedly quaking in fear of a confrontation with Trump and has not yet replied to the president’s challenge, according to an anonymous White House source.