PURGATORY — The ghost of famed attorney Clarence Darrow has joined the legal team of President Donald Trump, according to sources quoting White House spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
The spirit of Darrow was conjured forth during a seance after Trump complained that he needed an attorney whose personal information and records could not be pilfered by the FBI. Trump’s previous personal lawyer, Michael Cohen, is currently under legal scrutiny for alleged wrongdoing. The arcane ritual was performed by Counselor to the President Kellyanne Conway, according to a source close to Sanders.
Darrow agreed to take the case in a strictly advisory capacity since he cannot directly represent the President in open court due to being deceased. Sources close to Trump said that he has gotten along so well with the apparition that he even offered Darrow an appointment as head of the Justice Department, replacing the beleaguered Jeff Sessions. Darrow reportedly respectfully declined the offer, once again citing the fact that he is dead.
Trump’s attorney, Rudy Guiliani, told Fake News Direct that Darrow’s expertise is a welcome addition.
“Having Clarence around is great,” said Guiliani, speaking candidly. “Maybe he can sneak in and see what Mueller is really doing, with him being able to pass through the walls like that because honestly, I don’t have a clue. I’m just milking this gig for the extra publicity,” he added.
This comes on the heels of an announcement that lead attorney Ty Cobb will be replaced by Bill Clinton impeachment lawyer Emmet Flood.
Neither Cobb nor his mustache would comment on the record about the matter.
White House sources said that Darrow will provide the President’s legal services at no charge since he is dead and his ghost has no need for money — which is the reason Trump used Cohen in the first place, according to a person close to the president.
“Michael is a very, very, loyal guy because, like, he would take a bullet for me. You know that don’t you? It’s really, really sad that he may go to jail. Where will I find another guy like that?” Trump mused, according to another source speaking on condition of anonymity.